By Ian Miller: heart dad, keen fundraiser and CHD advocate.
I truly believe that we were chosen to be Brodie’s parents. It’s a real honour, but one that really challenges you, especially from a mental well-being perspective.
I have a history of mental health problems, as I lost my daughter nearly 16 years ago. Having Brodie does exacerbate this for obvious reasons. Plus, there is the worry in general, and trying to control the uncontrollable.
When we had Brodie’s diagnosis there was an overwhelming sense of confusion; so much information to absorb and attempt to understand. The timing wasn’t great as this also happened to be Christmas Eve. We had stress in abundance, as we had scans every six weeks before his birth.
One of our biggest challenges was how we told our children. Brodie has five siblings, so ensuring minimal panic and upset was tough. We drew a cartoon picture, hoping this would help them to understand his condition.
Preparing Brodie’s siblings for his surgeries is another obstacle to add to the mix; lots of questions and tears. We always endeavour to involve them as much as possible and don’t believe in hiding anything. They are just as much a part of this as we are.
My biggest fear of course is losing Brodie; it’s a fear you just cannot help, but it is about managing that and trying to process thoughts properly.
When reading other stories, sometimes you can’t help but worry. My advice would be to remember that every child is different and will have a different reaction. They may have the same or similar conditions, but that doesn’t mean their journey will be the same.
One of my worst experiences has to be the walk to the theatre and handing over Brodie to the surgical team. The first time I did this, he was only three weeks old. The second time, Brodie was almost 18 months old, and it was a truly awful experience. He fought when the team used the mask to send him to sleep and I handed him over all floppy. It haunts me to this day.
Then comes the waiting for them to come back from surgery. Your mind runs wild – you constantly clock watch. All you hope is your baby will return how you handed them over.
We found walking during this period is better than waiting in the hospital. We would also grab a coffee, and try to process it together. It’s so important to lean on your partners and talk. My wife deals with this much better than I do.
We ask ourselves; should we have terminated the pregnancy? Is it our fault he has gone through what he has because we had him? Then we see how far he has come and that he has taught us how precious life is and how it should be treated.
It breaks my heart to see my wife, Vanessa, watch her baby boy go through what he has. It’s a feeling of failure, as I believe I should be there to keep them safe and protect them. However, I am incredibly proud that Brodie has Vanessa as his mum, as she shows so much strength in these times of adversity.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, but I am a firm believer in reaching out for help and support. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and as I see it, I need to be the best version of myself that I can be.
We have been in contact with other families and having that secondary support has been a blessing. I understand that for dads, it can often be harder to admit when you’re struggling, but I see it as a sign of strength. It’s perfectly normal in these circumstances – it’s unexpected, it is unplanned, and it does put you out of your comfort zone.
As I have said, it’s the best and the hardest job in the world and something I would never ever change.
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